Fruits of Patience,Forgiveness and Humility

Today is a good day. The Husband surprisingly opened up re a sensitive topic... on his own! I hope this is the start of good communication between us. I consider this a positive step in the recovery of our relationship and fruits of my forgiveness and patience. Thank you Lord for this blessing today. I feel that I can survive our current challenges better as long as we work together and have each others love to pull us thru.

It seems there is always hope to survive broken relationships. However difficult it may be as long as there is forgiveness, patience and humility left, there is hope. I think it took a lot of humility on his part to open up and talk with me. It also took a lot of humility on my part to forgive him and open up again to the possibility of reconciliation.

I am open to whatever will unfold in the next dew days, weeks, months to come. We still have a long way to go... but baby steps will get us there.

Smile everyone ... and to those undergoing relationship problems, lets HANG IN THERE!

Forgiveness is A Process

I'm alive and back in love. So we finally made up and no regrets so far. I must admit I do still love him.
I am happy that things are back to "normal" although I do still have some apprehensions and fears that I can't shake off. I guess forgiveness is a process and it will take time before things are back to perfect. No sorry correction, things cannot be back to perfect no matter how much I wish it could be. But we are going to try... He has been extra loving to me these days. I secretly hope its for real.

My realizations:

1. When you have children and have problems with your spouse, oftentimes we must put aside our own feelings and put the good of the kids before our own. I love my kids too much to allow them the pain of a broken family.

2. In spite of the present situation I can't deny that our past bonding still more than makes up for any current shortcomings. Its so difficult to forget the moments of love and happiness you have shared together. I realized that I cannot throw it all away after all, I made a promise to love thru better or worse.

3. If both of us let pride prevail, nothing will happen and no one will give in.

4. It is still possible to make future memories if I can forgive and look beyond his imperfections. In short, give him another chance.

5. Current family concerns need to be addressed by both parents. Who else will solve the family problems but the parents ? Preferably both parents together. What started our conversation is the need to address some family concerns. This evolved into talking about us.

6. I still love him in spite of everything we have been thru. Am still capable of forgiving him again. I just pray he won't abuse my love again.

Listen to Me

Does your spouse listen to you or does he just hear you?

Hearing is when the sounds go in one ear and out the other. Listening is when you internalize what is being heard. Many times I feel he just hears but not listens. He doesn't listen to what I say or what my heart says. I don't know if he ever did or maybe am just being bitter again and negative now. How I wish he would listen and show me that he cares.

What am I trying to say? That I love him. I stayed thru his infidelity when other wives would leave. Against all advise of my family . Does he care? Maybe yes maybe no. I don't know. Isn't it pathetic that I can't tell and yet I stay? I stay because I still hope for change. So far there have been changes. No signs of another affair so far. But the unbearable part is no signs of love for me too. The romance is gone. How do you get that back? Why does he stay on? Is he still having the best of both worlds? My friends think I'm lucky he is hands on with the kids, picks me up and takes me where I need to go. But is that all that makes up a marriage?

Tiger Wife and Tiger Husband

Been reading a lot about the controversial Tiger Mom Amy Chua and her article  Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. It amuses me to also have read the article by AnnMaria De Mars  Why American Mothers are Superior. It is an example of the more common reactions to this latest controversy.

In our family, we broke all the golden rules of the Tiger Mom. We have playdates, allow sleepovers, my daughter starred in a school play, they are not top of the class nor straight A students but have 85-90+ averages,  allowed to choose extra curricular activities and have sports training EVERYDAY after school. Like the American mom ( as per Ann Mari De Mars article), I aim to teach my children to learn well, live well and love well. But I admit they need to be guided sometimes by an iron fist. I believe in discipline but not in a military fashion. More of like making them understand the benefits of the virtue and holding their hand while helping them try their best. Like Amy Chua, I believe in pushing them to their limits but definitely not in the extreme that she does. In short, for me a combination of both is working well with my kids. So far so good.

According to Amy Chuas daughter Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld in her article Why I Love My Strict Tiger Mom, the approach of the Tiger mom worked well with her and she loves and thanks her mom for all her efforts. Am happy for her if she feels that way.

What about being a Tiger wife with a Tiger Husband (Tiger woods-like husband)? Would that work? Okay so hes a far cry from Tiger Woods ( I hope!) but nevertheless Im sure my pain is the same pain Elin Woods must have felt. She chose to leave him... If I were to be a Tiger wife and stay and try and try and try my best to make it work, would that work out too?

Counting My Blessings

 I just feel so down right now. Let me count my blessings, hope that gets my spirit up.

1. I have wonderful kids. They are what I live for. They help me bear all the trauma I've been through. I love them so much and hope that they will love me forever too. Maybe one day they will understand why I have been the way I am lately. I hope I can hang on for their sake. I always want them to be happy. I wish them a great life ahead and hope they never experience the sadness I am in now. If they do, I hope they can get up, be strong and survive it. I hope I can be an good example and survive my own trials.

2. I have a job. It may not pay much but it keeps me sane. Something to look forward to almost everyday. Its something I have always wanted to do. It empowers and challenges me. It gets my mind off my depression even for awhile.

What to Do When You are Broke?

I don't know what to do about being broke. Does anyone know the magic answer?

We live within our means but money is never enough. We've cut down on sooo many (if not all) unnecessary expenses. Sold some of our assets. Hardly eat at restaurants anymore.  I have a job but it doesn't pay much. The Husband works but the business doesn't seem to generate enough. So what now?

I 'm trying to stay positive inspite of the additional marital problems we are having. It feels like I'm drowning in a deep pool and suddenly forgot how to swim. And I am a good swimmer in the pool of life. I'm known to be forever organized, cool and collected. Suddenly am like a dead weight drowning in water.

Silence

The silence is deafening.

He walks quietly past me yet I hear myself screaming inside. He doesn't say a word and I hear him lie. I type quietly at my computer but he hears me rant. How many days will this go on? There's work to be done, schedules to coordinate, bills to be paid, school activities to attend, stories to tell, restaurants to try, trips to make, movies to watch, kids to love and hands to hold.

Its driving me nuts but I need to keep my stand for the sake of myself and for the sake of my kids. Does that make sense?

Look Mom !

The sweetest words for the day : Look Mom!

Makes my heart melt everytime... I can hear the confidence in his voice...my little boy is so sure he created a masterpiece out of the blocks he constructed...he is so sure I would get up to go check it out... he is so sure I would love it! and he is so sure that I love him.

Wish he would love me forever and ever. Wish he never outgrows his innocence. Wish I could protect him from all the hurt in the world. Wish I could find the courage and perseverance to keep his parents marriage alive. Wish I could be sure of The Husbands love and fidelity to me.

Wish I could say Look World! We are one big happy family !

The Moon, the Stars and a Miracle

Today I will be seeing my counsellor again. Been seeing her for 2 years. Still don't know what to say or what I need after the latest issue between me and The Husband.

Of course, I know I need to be happy again. Thats one. I need to be with my kids. Thats two. I need to have my old husband back. Thats three. Old husband...hmm... can't even remember what it was like before.