Forgiveness is A Process

I'm alive and back in love. So we finally made up and no regrets so far. I must admit I do still love him.
I am happy that things are back to "normal" although I do still have some apprehensions and fears that I can't shake off. I guess forgiveness is a process and it will take time before things are back to perfect. No sorry correction, things cannot be back to perfect no matter how much I wish it could be. But we are going to try... He has been extra loving to me these days. I secretly hope its for real.

My realizations:

1. When you have children and have problems with your spouse, oftentimes we must put aside our own feelings and put the good of the kids before our own. I love my kids too much to allow them the pain of a broken family.

2. In spite of the present situation I can't deny that our past bonding still more than makes up for any current shortcomings. Its so difficult to forget the moments of love and happiness you have shared together. I realized that I cannot throw it all away after all, I made a promise to love thru better or worse.

3. If both of us let pride prevail, nothing will happen and no one will give in.

4. It is still possible to make future memories if I can forgive and look beyond his imperfections. In short, give him another chance.

5. Current family concerns need to be addressed by both parents. Who else will solve the family problems but the parents ? Preferably both parents together. What started our conversation is the need to address some family concerns. This evolved into talking about us.

6. I still love him in spite of everything we have been thru. Am still capable of forgiving him again. I just pray he won't abuse my love again.

Counting My Blessings

 I just feel so down right now. Let me count my blessings, hope that gets my spirit up.

1. I have wonderful kids. They are what I live for. They help me bear all the trauma I've been through. I love them so much and hope that they will love me forever too. Maybe one day they will understand why I have been the way I am lately. I hope I can hang on for their sake. I always want them to be happy. I wish them a great life ahead and hope they never experience the sadness I am in now. If they do, I hope they can get up, be strong and survive it. I hope I can be an good example and survive my own trials.

2. I have a job. It may not pay much but it keeps me sane. Something to look forward to almost everyday. Its something I have always wanted to do. It empowers and challenges me. It gets my mind off my depression even for awhile.

What to Do When You are Broke?

I don't know what to do about being broke. Does anyone know the magic answer?

We live within our means but money is never enough. We've cut down on sooo many (if not all) unnecessary expenses. Sold some of our assets. Hardly eat at restaurants anymore.  I have a job but it doesn't pay much. The Husband works but the business doesn't seem to generate enough. So what now?

I 'm trying to stay positive inspite of the additional marital problems we are having. It feels like I'm drowning in a deep pool and suddenly forgot how to swim. And I am a good swimmer in the pool of life. I'm known to be forever organized, cool and collected. Suddenly am like a dead weight drowning in water.