Forgiveness is A Process

I'm alive and back in love. So we finally made up and no regrets so far. I must admit I do still love him.
I am happy that things are back to "normal" although I do still have some apprehensions and fears that I can't shake off. I guess forgiveness is a process and it will take time before things are back to perfect. No sorry correction, things cannot be back to perfect no matter how much I wish it could be. But we are going to try... He has been extra loving to me these days. I secretly hope its for real.

My realizations:

1. When you have children and have problems with your spouse, oftentimes we must put aside our own feelings and put the good of the kids before our own. I love my kids too much to allow them the pain of a broken family.

2. In spite of the present situation I can't deny that our past bonding still more than makes up for any current shortcomings. Its so difficult to forget the moments of love and happiness you have shared together. I realized that I cannot throw it all away after all, I made a promise to love thru better or worse.

3. If both of us let pride prevail, nothing will happen and no one will give in.

4. It is still possible to make future memories if I can forgive and look beyond his imperfections. In short, give him another chance.

5. Current family concerns need to be addressed by both parents. Who else will solve the family problems but the parents ? Preferably both parents together. What started our conversation is the need to address some family concerns. This evolved into talking about us.

6. I still love him in spite of everything we have been thru. Am still capable of forgiving him again. I just pray he won't abuse my love again.

Listen to Me

Does your spouse listen to you or does he just hear you?

Hearing is when the sounds go in one ear and out the other. Listening is when you internalize what is being heard. Many times I feel he just hears but not listens. He doesn't listen to what I say or what my heart says. I don't know if he ever did or maybe am just being bitter again and negative now. How I wish he would listen and show me that he cares.

What am I trying to say? That I love him. I stayed thru his infidelity when other wives would leave. Against all advise of my family . Does he care? Maybe yes maybe no. I don't know. Isn't it pathetic that I can't tell and yet I stay? I stay because I still hope for change. So far there have been changes. No signs of another affair so far. But the unbearable part is no signs of love for me too. The romance is gone. How do you get that back? Why does he stay on? Is he still having the best of both worlds? My friends think I'm lucky he is hands on with the kids, picks me up and takes me where I need to go. But is that all that makes up a marriage?

Tiger Wife and Tiger Husband

Been reading a lot about the controversial Tiger Mom Amy Chua and her article  Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. It amuses me to also have read the article by AnnMaria De Mars  Why American Mothers are Superior. It is an example of the more common reactions to this latest controversy.

In our family, we broke all the golden rules of the Tiger Mom. We have playdates, allow sleepovers, my daughter starred in a school play, they are not top of the class nor straight A students but have 85-90+ averages,  allowed to choose extra curricular activities and have sports training EVERYDAY after school. Like the American mom ( as per Ann Mari De Mars article), I aim to teach my children to learn well, live well and love well. But I admit they need to be guided sometimes by an iron fist. I believe in discipline but not in a military fashion. More of like making them understand the benefits of the virtue and holding their hand while helping them try their best. Like Amy Chua, I believe in pushing them to their limits but definitely not in the extreme that she does. In short, for me a combination of both is working well with my kids. So far so good.

According to Amy Chuas daughter Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld in her article Why I Love My Strict Tiger Mom, the approach of the Tiger mom worked well with her and she loves and thanks her mom for all her efforts. Am happy for her if she feels that way.

What about being a Tiger wife with a Tiger Husband (Tiger woods-like husband)? Would that work? Okay so hes a far cry from Tiger Woods ( I hope!) but nevertheless Im sure my pain is the same pain Elin Woods must have felt. She chose to leave him... If I were to be a Tiger wife and stay and try and try and try my best to make it work, would that work out too?

Update on My Makeover

Yes I did have a makeover yesterday AND today. I spent 2 days in a row at the beauty parlor. Now I feel better on the outside. The inside is another story. Should i do a makeover inside too? Is it me or is it him that needs one... a cheating spouse can be so manipulative and convincing. He can make you feel like everything is your fault (even if he had a choice in the first place whether to cheat or not). Its easy for him to finger point when he should instead look at himself in the mirror.